So, to be honest with you, I lost myself this last year. It, somehow, has been one of the worst years but also one of the best in terms of figuring out what I want. The best way to put it is I fell into the wrong crowds. I, growing up in Montana, have learned to trust people without hesitation and that was my downfall this year. Now, I haven’t always been trusting. In fact, in middle school, I was victim to mean girls related activities. And that continued on into some of undergrad. I realized you had to be careful who you trusted and what you say. Then I went to pharmacy school and everything changed. No one wanted bad things to happen to me, no one back-stabbed; I had an amazing group of friends and I could say or be whatever I wanted without repercussion. After 4 years of trust and support by friends and co-workers, I became accustom to being myself.
And so I moved to Reno. And I fell into the wrong crowds. I had married men trying to hook up with me, co-workers husbands kiss me, I was propositioned for a threesome, I trusted some girls at work who went to HR and tried to get me fired, my ex treated me like crap, a new guy chose another girl over me. If you can think of something bad that can happen to a person socially, well it all happened to me in the past year.
I learned a few things the past year. One, don’t ignore your intuition. Two, don’t hide or be fake but also be careful who you tell things to. Three, do not become friends or talk about anything personal with direct co-workers. And most importantly, do not let the haters get you down. I tell so many people about my year and troubles and most say, “I don’t know how you still work there. I would have quit!” And that makes me feel strong… because I am strong enough and secure enough in myself that I can handle anything. I can have people hate me behind my back and I move on; I ignore it; I don’t care because I don’t care about them. I only care about me, the people I can trust and my own happiness. I also learned that people can't use things against you if you don't let them. One of my favorite quotes, “Once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.” - George R.R. Martin
What I learned is that I am unbreakable. And I most certainly do not want people like that in my life. The past year has been a learning experience but here are my goals for the next year:
- Focus on me. I want to learn Spanish, become board certified, exercise more, eat healthier. I want to read more books and blog more. I want to grow as a person and become more physically and mentally health. I want to find inner peace. I think when you take care of yourself, good things come your way.
- Chose better friends. This is extremely hard because making friends as an adult is nothing if not impossible. I’ve had a few different friends and experiences in the past year and I want talk about them a little.
- The people I work with who caused problems for me based on their own self-hatred and insecurity --- what other explanation is there for frank, uncalled for hatred and attempts to ruin lives?? I learned that lesson. So I now go to work and don’t talk to anyone. And it seems to be working out. I don’t like having to hide because I am a social person and I am an honest person, but my job and career are most important. If this is what I have to do, then I will. Of note, I have been getting to know some of the nurses I work with and building great relationships with them. For some reason, drama really only exists between similar professions… pharmacy + pharmacy = horror, pharmacy + nurse = okay. I can’t say that is 100% true... maybe I am just choosing better people, but I do have some people at work I love and trust, which makes life better.
- The blogging community. Ah so a friend and I just had a long discussion about this. One of the best things that happened to me in Reno was blogging and basically the expansion of my network. A lot of this has to do with me working for This is Reno. I’ve met so many amazing people and been given so many amazing opportunities. But I’ve discovered a few things: People are fake and self-absorbed. One of the things most people say they admire me for is my ability to be open and honest on the internet; to share my life experiences to help others. But I find a lot of people who say they are “community over competition” but all they care about is themselves. I’m sick of going out to dinner and having someone be on their phone the whole time because they are obsessed with social media. I am sick of talking about it all the time. I am sick of the politics (One blogger asked for volunteers then cherry picked who she had help, ignoring all the others, based on looks, social status, etc.). It doesn’t always feel like a supportive community and I don’t feel like I could talk about real life with one of my blog friends. A lot of the girls are 20 years-old, trying to make this their career. I have an amazing career and I blog for fun. I don’t want to compete or get caught up in a popularity contest… I don’t want to drive somewhere just to take pictures for Instagram and not actually experience the moment. So it’s with sadness I must say that I am withdrawing from the blogging community, at least most of it (I still have a few good friends in other states and countries), and I am going to focus on me. No competing.
- BLOG! I don’t know why but something about fall motivates me to blog, blog, blog. So I plan to focus on raw and real and things/pictures that inspire me vs that typical “Instagram post/Pinterest photo). I’m set on journeying out into the world alone so I can discover who I am and what I want. A lot of the times, I find traveling with other people extremely difficult because I have different interests… same thing goes for blogging. I want to be more authenic.
My goal for this next year is to listen to my gut, surround myself with better people, and fall in love with myself and life. I want to be passionate and enthusiastic, positive and I want to be the person people remember and trust. I want to be better and happier.
PS If you enjoyed this reflection, check out a few of my past reflections HERE HERE HERE and HERE. I LOVE reading how much me and my goals have changed in the past years. It's fun to see what I accomplished and what I don't care about as much anymore!