I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted a “thoughts and feelings” post. I’ve written parts of this post one hundred times but I’ve had so much going on in my mind I couldn’t seem to narrow it down. Lately, I’ve been feeling very anxious – sick to my stomach anxious – so I’ve been trying to narrow down my anxiety. Basically, I think about everything humanly possible until I feel better. Then, I know what has been bothering me.
Two things have been bothering me lately: ethics and compromise. I’ll break this down into a few parts.
First, some things happened at work where basically things I talked about in my personal life were brought into work and supposed to make trouble for me. And that was a huge eye opener. When I was in middle school I was very much subject to “mean girls”. Girls who would three-way call you just to get you to say something bad about someone else who was also on the line. They made my life hell for no other reason than they had a lot of their own insecurities, bad home lives… all of those things that make troubled teens. And what resulted from that was me eating lunch in the bathroom, my mom driving to school to eat lunch with me in her car if she could. If I could go back, I would tell myself to ignore and distance myself from them but not allow them to affect me – go and sit at a lunch table alone, be brave. I vowed to never allow another human being to have that much control over me. Sure, negative, malicious people find their ways into your life, there is nothing you can do about that, but you can allow nothing more to come of it than a shoulder shrug. And that is what I have been doing; shoulder shrugging all of the people who have been trying to benefit from my misery. Until recently. Because before, it was a girl in my class trying to hook up with a guy I liked. “Fine, take him.” I would think. “If he is dumb enough to hook up with you, I’m glad you saved me the trouble.” It was my best friend lying to me; it was all personal life stuff. But there I sat, in my boss’s office, being asked about my personal life at work – my doctorate degree, 6 years of school, 1 year of residency, all risked over silly boy drama. I was more terrified than I’ve been in a long time.
I thought about being that girl that I was then; quitting, moving, backpacking Europe. But I stayed. I didn’t go because I didn’t do anything wrong. Your reaction to horrible situations sets the tone for the person you are going to be; your morals, your ethics. So I stayed and I moved on. I cut out the negative and focused on the good people in my life. But something didn’t happen that should have. Regardless of their motives, everyone involved, I need to forgive them. I never meant to hurt anyone with anything I was feeling, thinking or saying. I am a very open person. But I’m not the person to avoid eye contact or stand silent in an elevator. If I reach out and am friendly to them without a response, then that’s on them. But I will not let them change me. I am an outgoing, positive, friendly person and I will not carry judgement or blame or hate in my heart. I will not shut myself off to everyone to avoid people that will inevitably always try to make waves for me.
Then there is compromise – my refusal of compromising what I deserve. When I talk about dating, many people like to say “Bri, just be young, single and free” and quite a few different versions of that. But what I realized is that they were projecting. They sacrificed themselves for relationships and didn’t want me to do the same. It made me very upset, at first, because I have been an “adult” for 10 years now and have spent 6 of those years single. Sixty percent of my adult life I have been free and focused on myself. I appreciate where they are coming from and the message they are trying to get across, but I don’t need to not date, I need to be choosey.
It’s really hard. I will say that. I am tall, blonde, attractive… I have a doctorate degree, am funny, smart, and happy. I am caring and trying to not be selfish. When I look at myself, even considering the bad, I am genuinely happy with the person I am and I think any guy would be lucky to date me ... I am a damn good girlfriend. But it’s hard when you meet someone and it doesn’t click. It’s hard not to feel rejected or not good enough when he chooses someone over you. But I am viewing it all wrong. Dating and incompatibility is not rejection. And I do not have to settle for good enough or almost. I get to this point in my life, where I am 28, and I start to worry. Because I think I want kids and we all know how that works. So I feel I am never going to get married so I settle. I accept people who are almost what I want because I think that’s probably the closest I’ll get. But man have I ever realized (read this) that compromising is not worth it. I feel a societal pressure to get married and have kids, or at least, work towards it, but when I actually look at my life, it doesn’t line up with what I want. I don’t want to get married right now and I definitely don’t want to have kids. I want to be single, have absolutely no responsibilities, and travel, day drink, do whatever the heck I want whenever I want to.
And this brings me to what I would say is in the top 3 of Bri’s character flaws. I very much get ideas in my head of how things should be and when it falls apart so do I. I romanticize things. We all do. I don’t think there is any girl who doesn’t dream of the romance and person you want. I realize that I want to travel and eat out; I want to go to art showings and sit on the couch drinking wine and binge watching Netflix. And do all of these things with someone. I love my friends, I do, and I am the luckiest girl on the planet to have so many amazing ones, but there is something lacking with friends. You don’t fell butterflies, can’t breathe, can’t stop thinking about, ran a red light because I was distracted in love with your friends. And I miss that feeling; that “high”. But you can’t force it and if you do feel all of those things for the wrong person, compromising your morals just to get your “fix”, is not worth it. And that’s hard, the walking away from the idea of someone. I love going out to eat by myself; if you follow me on Instagram, you see I love to have champagne, cook, and dance around my house; I am very happy alone. But not always. Sometimes I would kill for a romantic Sonoma get away. I would kill for breakfast in bed with someone I deeply care about. And although I have continually considered it, I will not bend myself to be more appealing to someone because I don’t like being alone. I need to be that happy and that in love and content with my life alone.
Anyways, those are just a few thoughts and things I have been dealing with. I am reading the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and the author wrote “But a true and accurate measurement of one’s self-worth is how people feel about the negative aspects of themselves.” I’ve always known this; to be happy, to be better I would have to sit down with the parts of me that I don’t like and learn to accept them to be happy, so that’s what I am doing. Each mistake and failure and I swore I wasn’t going to drink that much or call him again time I have.