Today I want to talk about self-love. Sometimes insecurities and self-doubt grows slowly. It happened to me and I didn’t know it was happening. The past year in Reno has been horrible (read about it HERE). I let the wrong people into my life and they in turn, treated me poorly. One thing that I recently realized is that I have, in turn, been treating myself poorly.
When people do things that are supposed to make you feel bad, you eventually started to feel bad about yourself. I have been isolating myself, eating unhealthy and not taking care of myself. I didn’t realize it until I went to the eye doctor then grocery store the other day and almost had panic attacks. I was uncomfortable and rude (“rude” is a relative term because sometimes I will apologize for being short and people say they don’t even notice).
I’ve been trying to eat healthier, workout and spend more time doing things I enjoy but find myself in the moment unmotivated and uncaring. When I think about it, because reflection is huge for me, I think I’ve come to realize that most of the people in my life in the past year treated me like I wasn’t a good person and didn’t deserve friendship and respect. I let them in, openly telling them everything, and they used it against me. I guess somewhere along the way, I subconsciously started thinking I worthless/pathetic and I started treating myself that way.
But what I’ve come to realize is that it’s not me. I am not a bad person. I openly talked about my life, nothing ever unpleasant or malicious, and these people used that against me. I wasn’t plotting against people, trying to steal boyfriends or doing anything bad.
Maybe it’s Reno. When I talk to people who grew up here, they talk a lot about crime, politics, money and drugs. Girls did cocaine and stole things in high school; slept with more men than I can fathom. Yes there was some of this where I grew up, but I avoided it. Maybe, because of the poverty, population and casinos, there are just a lot of bad people here. And if that’s the case, then I think it’s time for a new adventure.
I don’t want to work somewhere where I can’t trust my co-workers, where I am afraid of getting fired or being attacked. I don’t want to be around people who are trying to compete with me. I don’t want to turn to drugs or alcohol or food. I want to be healthy and happy, both physically and mentally. And I want to be around positive people who want good things for me. Maybe being around malicious, negative people has altered my mindset and I just need to focus on being positive. Anyways, right now Bri needs to do Bri. I am going to journal and answer the following questions! I suggest you do it too! :)