Finding Yourself

Have you ever lost something? Something that you didn't even know was missing until you found an old memory?

I found this picture, this picture of me, and I was bewildered by it because I had no clue who that girl was. I didn't recognize her; I didn't remember what it felt like to be her; I didn't remember her.

I knew that I was  lost, but I had never realized how far gone I was, how far gone I am.

Let me tell you about this girl. This girl, she loved, oh man did she love. She loved with her whole heart. She believed in fairy tales, happily ever after. She believed that if you found the right person, you could make it work forever, grow old. She cared about people; she laughed. She sang in the car; she tried new things. This girl right here was new, fresh, real... she was untouched.

And this girl today? She is wary. She trusts no one. She is anxious about everything. She doesn't think she is going to find love. She is determined to make her own happiness, but what really would make her happy, she doesn't think that exists. This girl today doesn't laugh, doesn't love, lives in fear, without joy. She lives moment to moment, frozen in time, scared to move.

How did I get here? 

I blame a lot of it on me. I trust the wrong people; I love too deep. When my heart is broken, I don't bounce back, learn from it, get stronger. I get scared, sad, mad... I turn myself off and in. I let the pain convince me the love isn't worth the risk. I feel the pain 100xs stronger and keep making myself relive the pain so I don't make the same mistakes.

But I don't want to be this girl anymore. When is the last time I laughed until I cried? When is the last time I felt butterflies, I felt love, I ached for someone? When was the last time I was happy, really happy?

You might be reading this wondering where I am going with this... that makes two of us. I'm confused; I'm lost. I didn't even remember this person existed. I don't know which step will lead me in the right direction.

This is a journey, my journey. But one that I am now ready to take. I want to take you along, down the roads I wonder, through the weeds, describe what it's like every time I trip and fall. I know I cannot be the only person who feels, or doesn't feel, the way I do. I can't be the only person who is here. This isn't rainbows and butterflies, it's raw and it's real. And it's 100% true. I want to find myself, combine the new and the old. I want to become the person I have always wanted to be, the person I know I can be... A person I am proud of. I want to inspire you and save me... 

Welcome to my journey of me. Welcome to the journey of Bri ♥

PS are all these pictures extremely vain? Would one throwback picture probably work? Haha probably, yes... But it feels so good. Old Bri would do to that, so I'm one step closer. Eat your heart out. :)