So today, I think I'm going to finally open up. I've been wanting to talk about how I have been feeling for the past couple months but I was afraid, and maybe hoping it would pass. I don't exactly know when or how or why, but people have always made it seem like you have to be perfect online. When you look at peoples' lives on Instagram or Facebook, it seems like they have it all figured out. But no one does. Life is messy and people chose not to post about. After much deliberation; however, I've decided I'll share... This may end up all over the place.
Life never ends up where you think it will. I'll start with that. When I was 20, I thought I had it all figured out. I thought by 25, I'd be graduating, getting married, maybe start having kids at 26-27. Well I'm 26 and more single than I've ever been. I'm not here to complain about the past or even where I am. I see friends who stayed together and are having kids; I'm not jealous of them nor do I regret my past.
But I thought I would have it figured out a little more by now. And honestly up until now, I did. I had a plan - graduate, get a residency. I knew who I was and what I wanted. But now that I've reached my goal, I mean I have been working towards becoming a pharmacist for SIX (6) years (!!!), I guess I'm a little lost. When I think about it: what are my goals, what I am going to do at the end of this year, what am I working towards? Should I be working towards more career goals (think manager, politics, teaching), should I be searching for a husband, dating around, should I be traveling more, playing more, saving, thinking about buying a house??
What do I do now?
I've never felt so lost, so confused, so unsure of who I am. And it's ridiculously hilarious because I've been feeling this way for a long time and I finally just realized why. For the longest time, I was so confused but, reaching this goal I worked so hard for, it makes sense I would feel this way.
Here is a little blurb from a blog post I wrote but never posted. As you can see, I was, and still am, extremely lost, but at least now it makes more sense:
"I have no idea who I am! I know this may seem like a common dilemma but it's actually not for me. I've always known who I was and what I wanted; Regardless of how backwards my personal life, love life, or work life was, I knew it was going to be alright because I knew myself. Right now, I can't make a decision to save my life. I feel so lost and that scares me because I'm going to start this awesome new job in a brand new city and I need to get myself figured out!"
"I feel completely lost, shut off so bad that nothing even makes me happy. I went out to trivia Tuesday, and drinks after. It was a blast with great conversation and people (I laughed until I cried quite a few times), but after, I had to tell myself that "it was a good night" because I didn't feel anything. Nothing makes me happy even when I have a good time. And I honestly, for the first time, don't know what to do about it. I cut off my hair. That normally makes me feel good (I like change)... Meh. I moved to a new city. Meh. I'm so scared I'm going to mess up that I'm afraid to move."
I'm going to jump to a little background.
I moved to Boise about 6 weeks ago and everything started going wrong...
Getting my apartment took longer than I thought. Everyone tried to talk me out of, or at least questioned my decision. My parents just wanted to make sure I was making an educated decision. And I should have known better. I am one of those people who goes with my gut decisions because they always work out. I did get the place I wanted eventually and I do love it.
My drug screening at work came back void because I drank too much water. The nurse called me and was very rude, acting like I was drug addict trying to beat the system. If you "fail" the second drug test, they won't hire you. As would be understandable, I was totally freaked out when I heard this and had to re-do the test. I did pass though!
I had many major freak outs about getting licensed. I have HORRIBLE test anxiety, on top of the fact that I was feeling horrible about everything in my life. I moved my exams because I took a practice exam and failed. I'm so thankful I did that. I've never had worse anxiety, felt so sick, or been so low in my life. I've never felt so lost; I wanted to get in the car and quit. I can't even explain it. Again, I passed, but man those 4 weeks were some of my worst.
Bed bugs, or apparently just a mosquito?! I woke up with bites on my body. They got worse as the days progressed and I was totally convinced I had bed bugs. This was during work and my board exams. I spent one night, up all night, freaking out about bugs. Luckily I think it was a mosquito (I found one flying around my room a few days later). The bites just look different than they did in Montana. I'm sure there are different types of mosquitos all over. This just added to the stress and lack of sleep.
Chickenpox Vaccine reaction. I had to get the chickenpox vaccine because I was never got the chickenpox as a child. Everything went okay for a while, again I was nervous because it's a live vaccine and I have anxiety. On about day 10; however, I broke out in a rash that has gotten progressively worse. It itches like crazy. I had flu-like symptoms (fever, aches, tired, headache) for a week. I went to Urgent Care and waited 2 hours to never been seen; I left because I had to go back to work. Finally I decided to go to employee health because they gave me the vaccine. They think it is from the vaccine but the nurse wants me to still get the booster shot in 2 weeks. I've broken out in a horrible rash, I'm starting to get bumps on my body and I had flu-like symptoms, and you want me to get another shot?! I'm all about being protected and working in healthcare I would NEVER want to expose myself or my patient... but I read online from the CDC if you break out in a chickenpox like rash after the first shot, you don't have to get the 2nd shot. The nurse said she cannot tell whether the rash is a reaction to the vaccine (it is a sort of common side effect- 22%) or an actual break out of varicella (what causes chicken pox). I kind of get what she is saying but I'm convinced it's the later. Due to my hesitation, she said I could either get the 2nd shot or wait and give blood (get a titer) to see if I have enough antibodies. Depending on the results of that, I will either have to get the vaccine or hopefully not! So I can get the shot and miserable again, or give blood which I hate more than anything, and still possibly have to get a 2nd shot. Seriously, I don't want to deal with this right now! The rash is getting worse and the dots on my body are new so I will contact her about that Monday.
My background check got held up with the FBI/Idaho Board of Pharmacy so I wasn't able to get a temporary license right away for work. We aren't allowed to be in the pharmacy without one so work wasn't sure what to do with us (luckily it happened to one of my co-residents so I wasn't alone) if it didn't come through. After calling and emailing a million places, it finally showed up and everything was okay!
I signed up for employee health insurance but I think there was a technical error and it didn't take. We only have 30 days to sign up after we are hired or we don't get insurance. I realized this yesterday after I logged on and saw I was waived from insurance! And now it's past my 30 days! I have a friend who works in HR elsewhere and she thinks I should be able to get it taken care of. Regardless, it's just a huge mess and is adding to my stress.
As you can see, quite a bit has been "going wrong" and it's been extremely stressful for me. Although most of it has been resolved, it took longer and was more complicated than it needed to be.
I've felt so lost, confused, sad, and honestly downright scared. My fear of leaving the house (anxiety) is worse, I've been sleeping way too much, I haven't been keeping up with house cleaning or groceries (I have barely any food).
This is not the person I want to be and I want to change that. I feel like up until now I knew who I was and what I wanted. Now I'm lost. Maybe who I am is still in there and I won't change that much, but I'm starting from ground zero. I question everything; some of the things that used to be fun to me aren't anymore. I need to explore myself all over again! But I
've finally decided that I am no longer going to sit by and let life keep knocking me down. I am going to make lists, goals and organize my life!
Goals for blogging
At least every other day and hopefully twice on the weekends!
One fashion, beauty, iPhone/life, & DIY/house post per week! I want to get on a schedule