Right now I am listening to Taylor Swift's new CD "1989".
This is not a review of her CD, yet a reflection on myself. When Taylor's CD "Red" came out, I had just gone through a pretty bad break up myself. Like her, I dated the bad boy, the party boy, and ended up pretty broken.
One of the best things about that break-up was rediscovering myself.
I cut bangs, I dyed my hair pink, I changed myself completely and in that, I found a piece of myself.
This year of moving and life "being on hold" has been extremely hard for me. I keep thinking, "What can I do to make this time go faster? How can I skip this year?"
That attitude has not only killed me (stress and anxiety at my worst in over a year), but it had made me lose time. I spent so much time worrying about getting myself to a point where I can start my life that
I forgot I was already living!!
One of the hardest things about the break-up was that I felt like I lost a part of me I loved. My ex made me feel strong. He, just by being himself, made me challenge everything I knew. The summer I spent with him, I was free.
I didn't worry about anything. And it was beautiful. I would go out and eat, go to a bar, pretty much do anything by myself. Even when he wasn't there, he was...pushing me out of my comfort zone.
I was happier than I'd ever been and I was so mad at him for taking that away from me.
I realize "logically" I could do all of those things without him, but for some reason, I can't. I'm stuck. I know where I need to be, I know where I want to be, and I can't get there. I tried so hard after we broke up to find who I was when I was with him.
I wouldn't necessary say I was in love with him... I was in love with who he made me.
After going through so much, I'm now an emotional icicle. I'm scared to move, paralyzed by my broken heart. But secretly, I think I am ready. I'm ready to get out there; I'm ready to feel. I always take the high at 50% yet feel the pain so deeply.
This time I need to embrace all that is good about it and not worry about the heartbreak.
I'm back in the place where I was born.
Here to find myself once again.
Welcome to my 1989